Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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