watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
