I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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