I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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