why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
