12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
