at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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