We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
smell my finger.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
