I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize