I am midnight drunk by noon
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
