I'd wear matching sweaters with you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
