I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
