"it" just moved
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize