Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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