Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
