My first STD was from a foam party
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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