So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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