i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
