cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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