In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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