i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
