She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we're making bets on your personal life
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize