she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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