I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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