I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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