Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
