see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
