She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
