I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
