Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
