dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize