I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
