I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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