yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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