So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
