what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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