So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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