everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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