All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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