I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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