Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
