I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
