I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
