So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
