come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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