Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
