i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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