If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
false alarm, still single
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
