I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize