weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
