My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
40s are totally the cure
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
