i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
