its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
