can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
