if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
