Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
