I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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