I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I did not marry a roomba.
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