i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
