I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
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