i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
