The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
