boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
