I met the friendliest cop last night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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