Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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