this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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