Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
