I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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